St. Ronan's Well Page 14

  CHAPTER XII.

  THE CHALLENGE.

  A slight note I have about me, for the delivery of which you must excuse me. It is an office which friendship calls upon me to do, and no way offensive to you, as I desire nothing but right on both sides.

  _King and No King._

  The intelligent reader may recollect, that Tyrrel departed from the FoxHotel on terms not altogether so friendly towards the company as thoseunder which he entered it. Indeed, it occurred to him, that he mightprobably have heard something farther on the subject, though, amidstmatters of deeper and more anxious consideration, the idea only passedhastily through his mind; and two days having gone over without anymessage from Sir Bingo Binks, the whole affair glided entirely out ofhis memory.

  The truth was, that although never old woman took more trouble tocollect and blow up with her bellows the embers of her decayed fire,than Captain MacTurk kindly underwent for the purpose of puffing into aflame the dying sparkles of the Baronet's courage; yet two days werespent in fruitless conferences before he could attain the desired point.He found Sir Bingo on these different occasions in all sorts ofdifferent moods of mind, and disposed to view the thing in all shades oflight, except what the Captain thought was the true one.--He was in adrunken humour--in a sullen humour--in a thoughtless and vilipendinghumour--in every humour but a fighting one. And when Captain MacTurktalked of the reputation of the company at the Well, Sir Bingo pretendedto take offence, said the company might go to the devil, and hinted thathe "did them sufficient honour by gracing them with his countenance, butdid not mean to constitute them any judges of his affairs. The fellowwas a raff, and he would have nothing to do with him."

  Captain MacTurk would willingly have taken measures against the Baronethimself, as in a state of contumacy, but was opposed by Winterblossomand other members of the committee, who considered Sir Bingo as tooimportant and illustrious a member of their society to be rashlyexpelled from a place not honoured by the residence of many persons ofrank; and finally insisted that nothing should be done in the matterwithout the advice of Mowbray, whose preparations for his solemnfestival on the following Thursday had so much occupied him, that he hadnot lately appeared at the Well.

  In the meanwhile, the gallant Captain seemed to experience as muchdistress of mind, as if some stain had lain on his own most unblemishedof reputations. He went up and down upon the points of his toes, risingup on his instep with a jerk which at once expressed vexation anddefiance--He carried his nose turned up in the air, like that of a pigwhen he snuffs the approaching storm--He spoke in monosyllables when hespoke at all; and--what perhaps illustrated in the strongest manner thedepth of his feelings--he refused, in face of the whole company, topledge Sir Bingo in a glass of the Baronet's peculiar cogniac.

  At length, the whole Well was alarmed by the report brought by a smartoutrider, that the young Earl of Etherington, reported to be rising onthe horizon of fashion as a star of the first magnitude, intended topass an hour, or a day, or a week, as it might happen, (for his lordshipcould not be supposed to know his own mind,) at St. Ronan's Well.

  This suddenly put all in motion. Almanacks were opened to ascertain hislordship's age, enquiries were made concerning the extent of hisfortune, his habits were quoted, his tastes were guessed at; and allthat the ingenuity of the Managing Committee could devise was resortedto, in order to recommend their Spa to this favourite of fortune. Anexpress was dispatched to Shaws-Castle with the agreeable intelligence,which fired the train of hope that led to Mowbray's appropriation of hissister's capital. He did not, however, think proper to obey the summonsto the Spring; for, not being aware in what light the Earl might regardthe worthies there assembled, he did not desire to be found by hislordship in any strict connexion with them.

  Sir Bingo Binks was in a different situation. The bravery with which hehad endured the censure of the place began to give way, when heconsidered that a person of such distinction as that which publicopinion attached to Lord Etherington, should find him bodily indeed atSt. Ronan's, but, so far as society was concerned, on the road towardsthe ancient city of Coventry; and his banishment thither, incurred bythat most unpardonable offence in modern morality, a solecism in thecode of honour. Though sluggish and inert when called to action, theBaronet was by no means an absolute coward; or, if so, he was of thatclass which fights when reduced to extremity. He manfully sent forCaptain MacTurk, who waited upon him with a grave solemnity of aspect,which instantly was exchanged for a radiant joy, when Sir Bingo, in afew words, empowered him to carry a message to that d----d strollingartist, by whom he had been insulted three days since.

  "By Cot," said the Captain, "my exceedingly goot and excellent friend,and I am happy to do such a favour for you! And it's well you havethought of it yourself; because, if it had not been for some of our verygoot and excellent friends, that would be putting their spoon into otherfolk's dish, I should have been asking you a civil question myself, howyou came to dine with us, with all that mud and mire which Mr. Tyrrel'sgrasp has left upon the collar of your coat--you understand me.--But itis much better as it is, and I will go to the man with all the speed oflight; and though, to be sure, it should have been sooner thought of,yet let me alone to make an excuse for that, just in my own civilway--better late thrive than never do well, you know, Sir Bingo; and ifyou have made him wait a little while for his morning, you must give himthe better measure, my darling."

  So saying, he awaited no reply, lest peradventure the commission withwhich he was so hastily and unexpectedly charged, should have beenclogged with some condition of compromise. No such proposal, however,was made on the part of the doughty Sir Bingo, who eyed his friend as hehastily snatched up his rattan to depart, with a dogged look ofobstinacy, expressive, to use his own phrase, of a determined resolutionto come up to the scratch; and when he heard the Captain's partingfootsteps, and saw the door shut behind him, he valiantly whistled a fewbars of Jenny Sutton, in token he cared not a farthing how the matterwas to end.

  With a swifter pace than his half-pay leisure usually encouraged, orthan his habitual dignity permitted, Captain MacTurk cleared the groundbetwixt the Spring and its gay vicinity, and the ruins of the Aultoun,where reigned our friend Meg Dods, the sole assertor of its ancientdignities. To the door of the Cleikum Inn the Captain addressed himself,as one too much accustomed to war to fear a rough reception; although atthe very first aspect of Meg, who presented her person at the halfopened door, his military experience taught him that his entrance intothe place would, in all probability, be disputed.

  "Is Mr. Tyrrel at home?" was the question; and the answer was conveyed,by the counter-interrogation, "Wha may ye be that speers?"

  As the most polite reply to this question, and an indulgence, at thesame time, of his own taciturn disposition, the Captain presented toLuckie Dods the fifth part of an ordinary playing card, much grimed withsnuff, which bore on its blank side his name and quality. But LuckieDods rejected the information thus tendered, with contemptuous scorn.

  "Nane of your deil's play-books for me," said she; "it's an ill worldsince sic prick-my-dainty doings came in fashion--It's a poor tonguethat canna tell its ain name, and I'll hae nane of your scarts uponpasteboard."

  "I am Captain MacTurk, of the ---- regiment," said the Captain,disdaining further answer.

  "MacTurk?" repeated Meg, with an emphasis, which induced the owner ofthe name to reply, "Yes, honest woman--MacTurk--Hector MacTurk--have youany objections to my name, goodwife?"

  "Nae objections have I," answered Meg; "it's e'en an excellent name fora heathen.--But, Captain MacTurk, since sae it be that ye are a captain,ye may e'en face about and march your ways hame again, to the tune ofDumbarton drums; for ye are ganging to have nae speech of Maister Tirl,or ony lodger of mine."

  "And wherefore not?" demanded the veteran; "and is this of your ownfoolish head, honest woman, or has your lodger left such orders?"

  "Maybe he has and maybe no," answered Meg, sturdily; "and I ken nae
mairright that ye suld ca' me honest woman, than I have to ca' you honestman, whilk is as far frae my thoughts as it wad be from heaven's truth."

  "The woman is deleerit!" said Captain MacTurk; "but coom, coom--agentleman is not to be misused in this way when he comes on agentleman's business; so make you a bit room on the door-stane, that Imay pass by you, or I will make room for myself, by Cot! to your smallpleasure."

  And so saying he assumed the air of a man who was about to make good hispassage. But Meg, without deigning farther reply, flourished around herhead the hearth-broom, which she had been employing to its morelegitimate purpose, when disturbed in her housewifery by CaptainMacTurk.

  "I ken your errand weel eneugh, Captain--and I ken yoursell. Ye are aneof the folk that gang about yonder setting folk by the lugs, as callantsset their collies to fight. But ye sall come to nae lodger o' mine, leta-be Maister Tirl, wi' ony sic ungodly errand; for I am ane that willkeep God's peace and the King's within my dwelling."

  So saying, and in explicit token of her peaceable intentions, she againflourished her broom.

  The veteran instinctively threw himself under Saint George's guard, anddrew two paces back, exclaiming, "That the woman was either mad, or asdrunk as whisky could make her;" an alternative which afforded Meg solittle satisfaction, that she fairly rushed on her retiring adversary,and began to use her weapon to fell purpose.

  "Me drunk, ye scandalous blackguard!" (a blow with the broom interposedas parenthesis,) "me, that am fasting from all but sin and bohea!"(another whack.)

  The Captain, swearing, exclaiming, and parrying, caught the blows asthey fell, showing much dexterity in single-stick. The people began togather; and how long his gallantry might have maintained itself againstthe spirit of self-defence and revenge, must be left uncertain, for thearrival of Tyrrel, returned from a short walk, put a period to thecontest.

  Meg, who had a great respect for her guest, began to feel ashamed of herown violence, and slunk into the house; observing, however, that shetrewed she had made her hearth-broom and the auld heathen's pow rightweel acquainted. The tranquillity which ensued upon her departure, gaveTyrrel an opportunity to ask the Captain, whom he at length recognised,the meaning of this singular affray, and whether the visit was intendedfor him; to which the veteran replied very discomposedly, that "heshould have known that long enough ago, if he had had decent people toopen his door, and answer a civil question, instead of a flytingmadwoman, who was worse than an eagle," he said, "or a mastiff-bitch, ora she-bear, or any other female beast in the creation."

  Half suspecting his errand, and desirous to avoid unnecessary notoriety,Tyrrel, as he showed the Captain to the parlour, which he called hisown, entreated him to excuse the rudeness of his landlady, and to passfrom the topic to that which had procured him the honour of this visit.

  "And you are right, my good Master Tyrrel," said the Captain, pullingdown the sleeves of his coat, adjusting his handkerchief andbreast-ruffle, and endeavouring to recover the composure of mannerbecoming his mission, but still adverting indignantly to the usage hehad received--"By Cot! if she had but been a man, if it were the Kinghimself--However, Mr. Tyrrel, I am come on a civil errand--and verycivilly I have been treated--the auld bitch should be set in the stocks,and be tamned!--My friend, Sir Bingo--By Cot! I shall never forget thatwoman's insolence--if there be a constable or a cat-o'-nine-tails withinten miles"----

  "I perceive, Captain," said Tyrrel, "that you are too much disturbed atthis moment to enter upon the business which has brought you here--ifyou will step into my bedroom, and make use of some cold water and atowel, it will give you the time to compose yourself a little."

  "I shall do no such thing, Mr. Tyrrel," answered the Captain,snappishly; "I do not want to be composed at all, and I do not want tostay in this house a minute longer than to do my errand to you on myfriend's behalf--And as for this tamned woman Dods"----

  "You will in that case forgive my interrupting you, Captain MacTurk, asI presume your errand to me can have no reference to this strangequarrel with my landlady, with which I have nothing to"----

  "And if I thought that it had, sir," said the Captain, interruptingTyrrel in his turn, "you should have given me satisfaction before youwas a quarter of an hour older--Oh, I would give five pounds to thepretty fellow that would say, Captain MacTurk, the woman did right!"

  "I certainly will not be that person you wish for, Captain," repliedTyrrel, "because I really do not know who was in the right or wrong; butI am certainly sorry that you should have met with ill usage, when yourpurpose was to visit me."

  "Well, sir, if you are concerned," said the man of peace, snappishly,"so am I, and there is an end of it.--And touching my errand to you--youcannot have forgotten that you treated my friend, Sir Bingo Binks, withsingular incivility?"

  "I recollect nothing of the kind, Captain," replied Tyrrel. "I rememberthat the gentleman, so called, took some uncivil liberties in layingfoolish bets concerning me, and that I treated him, from respect to therest of the company, and the ladies in particular, with a great degreeof moderation and forbearance."

  "And you must have very fine ideas of forbearance," replied the Captain,"when you took my good friend by the collar of the coat, and lifted himout of your way as if he had been a puppy dog! My good Mr. Tyrrel, I canassure you he does not think that you have forborne him at all, and hehas no purpose to forbear you; and I must either carry back a sufficientapology, or you must meet in a quiet way, with a good friend on eachside.--And this was the errand I came on, when this tamned woman, withthe hearth-broom, who is an enemy to all quiet and peaceableproceedings"----

  "We will forget Mrs. Dods for the present, if you please, CaptainMacTurk," said Tyrrel--"and, to speak to the present subject, you willpermit me to say, that I think this summons comes a little of thelatest. You know best as a military man, but I have always understoodthat such differences are usually settled immediately after theyoccur--not that I intend to baulk Sir Bingo's inclinations upon thescore of delay, or any other account."

  "I dare say you will not--I dare say you will not, Mr. Tyrrel," answeredthe Captain--"I am free to think that you know better what belongs to agentleman.--And as to time--look you, my good sir, there are differentsorts of people in this world, as there are different sorts offire-arms. There are your hair-trigger'd rifles, that go off just at theright moment, and in the twinkling of an eye, and that, Mr. Tyrrel, isyour true man of honour;--and there is a sort of person that takes athing up too soon, and sometimes backs out of it, like your rubbishyBirmingham pieces, that will at one time go off at half-cock, and atanother time burn priming without going off at all;--then again piecesthat hang fire--or I should rather say, that are like the matchlockswhich the black fellows use in the East Indies--there must be someblowing of the match, and so forth, which occasions delay, but the piececarries true enough after all."

  "And your friend Sir Bingo's valour is of this last kind, Captain--Ipresume that is the inference. I should have thought it more like aboy's cannon, which is fired by means of a train, and is but a pop-gunafter all."

  "I cannot allow of such comparisons, sir," said the Captain; "you willunderstand that I come here as Sir Bingo's friend, and a reflection onhim will be an affront to me."

  "I disclaim all intended offence to you, Captain--I have no wish toextend the number of my adversaries, or to add to them the name of agallant officer like yourself," replied Tyrrel.

  "You are too obliging, sir," said the Captain, drawing himself up withdignity. "By Cot! and that was said very handsomely!--Well, sir, andshall I not have the pleasure of carrying back any explanation from youto Sir Bingo?--I assure you it would give me pleasure to make thismatter handsomely up."

  "To Sir Bingo, Captain MacTurk, I have no apology to offer--I think Itreated him more gently than his impertinence deserved."

  "Och, Och!" sighed the Captain, with a strong Highland intonation; "thenthere is no more to be said, but just to settle time and place; forpistols I suppose must be t
he weapons."

  "All these matters are quite the same to me," said Tyrrel; "only, inrespect of time, I should wish it to be as speedy as possible.--What sayyou to one, afternoon, this very day?--You may name the place."

  "At one, afternoon," replied the Captain deliberately, "Sir Bingo willattend you--the place may be the Buck-stane; for as the whole company goto the water-side to-day to eat a kettle of fish,[I-18] there will be norisk of interruption.--And who shall I speak to, my good friend, on yourside of the quarrel?"

  "Really, Captain," replied Tyrrel, "that is a puzzling question--I haveno friend here--I suppose you could hardly act for both?"

  "It would be totally, absolutely, and altogether out of the question, mygood friend," replied MacTurk. "But if you will trust to me, I willbring up a friend on your part from the Well, who, though you havehardly seen him before, will settle matters for you as well as if youhad been intimate for twenty years--and I will bring up the Doctor too,if I can get him unloosed from the petticoat of that fat widow Blower,that he has strung himself upon."

  "I have no doubt you will do every thing with perfect accuracy, Captain.At one o'clock, then, we meet at the Buck-stane--Stay, permit me to seeyou to the door."

  "By Cot! and it is not altogether so unnecessary," said the Captain;"for the tamned woman with the besom might have some advantage in thatlong dark passage, knowing the ground better than I do--tamn her, I willhave amends on her, if there be whipping-post, or ducking-stool, or apair of stocks in the parish!" And so saying, the Captain trudged off,his spirits ever and anon agitated by recollection of the causelessaggression of Meg Dods, and again composed to a state of happy serenityby the recollection of the agreeable arrangement which he had madebetween Mr. Tyrrel, and his friend Sir Bingo Binks.

  We have heard of men of undoubted benevolence of character anddisposition, whose principal delight was to see a miserable criminal,degraded alike by his previous crimes, and the sentence which he hadincurred, conclude a vicious and wretched life, by an ignominious andpainful death. It was some such inconsistency of character which inducedhonest Captain MacTurk, who had really been a meritorious officer, andwas a good-natured, honourable, and well-intentioned man, to place hischief delight in setting his friends by the ears, and then acting asumpire in the dangerous rencontres, which, according to his code ofhonour, were absolutely necessary to restore peace and cordiality. Weleave the explanation of such anomalies to the labours of craniologists,for they seem to defy all the researches of the Ethic philosopher.

  FOOTNOTE:

  [I-18] A kettle of fish is a _fete-champetre_ of a particular kind, whichis to other _fetes-champetres_ what the piscatory eclogues of Brown orSannazario are to pastoral poetry. A large caldron is boiled by the sideof a salmon river, containing a quantity of water, thickened with saltto the consistence of brine. In this the fish is plunged when taken, andeaten by the company _fronde super viridi_. This is accounted the bestway of eating salmon, by those who desire to taste the fish in a stateof extreme freshness. Others prefer it after being kept a day or two,when the curd melts into oil, and the fish becomes richer and moreluscious. The more judicious gastronomes eat no other sauce than aspoonful of the water in which the salmon is boiled, together with alittle pepper and vinegar.