St. Ronan's Well Page 5

  CHAPTER III.

  ADMINISTRATION.

  There must be government in all society-- Bees have their Queen, and stag-herds have their leader; Rome had her Consuls, Athens had her Archons, And we, sir, have our Managing Committee.

  _The Album of St. Ronan's._

  Francis Tyrrel was, in the course of the next day, formally settled inhis old quarters, where he announced his purpose of remaining forseveral days. The old-established carrier of the place brought hisfishing-rod and travelling-trunk, with a letter to Meg, dated a weekpreviously, desiring her to prepare to receive an old acquaintance. Thisannunciation, though something of the latest, Meg received with greatcomplacency, observing it was a civil attention in Maister Tirl; andthat John Hislop, though he was not just sae fast, was far surer thanony post of them a', or express either. She also observed withsatisfaction, that there was no gun-case along with her guest's baggage;"for that weary gunning had brought him and her into trouble--the lairdshad cried out upon't, as if she made her house a howff for commonfowlers and poachers; and yet how could she hinder twa daft hempiecallants from taking a start and an ower-loup?[I-10] They had been owerthe neighbour's ground they had leave on up to the march, and theywerena just to ken meiths when the moorfowl got up."

  In a day or two, her guest fell into such quiet and solitary habits,that Meg, herself the most restless and bustling of human creatures,began to be vexed, for want of the trouble which she expected to havehad with him, experiencing, perhaps, the same sort of feeling from hisextreme and passive indifference on all points, that a good horseman hasfor the over-patient steed, which he can scarce feel under him. Hiswalks were devoted to the most solitary recesses among the neighbouringwoods and hills--his fishing-rod was often left behind him, or carriedmerely as an apology for sauntering slowly by the banks of some littlebrooklet--and his success so indifferent, that Meg said the piper ofPeebles[I-11] would have caught a creelfu' before Maister Francie made outthe half-dozen; so that he was obliged, for peace's sake, to vindicatehis character, by killing a handsome salmon.

  Tyrrel's painting, as Meg called it, went on equally slowly: He often,indeed, showed her the sketches which he brought from his walks, andused to finish at home; but Meg held them very cheap. What signified,she said, a wheen bits of paper, wi' black and white scarts upon them,that he ca'd bushes, and trees, and craigs?--Couldna he paint them wi'green, and blue, and yellow, like the other folk? "Ye will never makyour bread that way, Maister Francie. Ye suld munt up a muckle square ofcanvass, like Dick Tinto, and paint folks ainsells, that they likemuckle better to see than ony craig in the haill water; and I wadnamuckle objeck even to some of the Wallers coming up and sitting to ye.They waste their time waur, I wis--and, I warrant, ye might make aguinea a-head of them. Dick made twa, but he was an auld used hand, andfolk maun creep before they gang."

  In answer to these remonstrances, Tyrrel assured her, that the sketcheswith which he busied himself were held of such considerable value, thatvery often an artist in that line received much higher remuneration forthese, than for portraits or coloured drawings. He added, that they wereoften taken for the purpose of illustrating popular poems, and hinted asif he himself were engaged in some labour of that nature.

  Eagerly did Meg long to pour forth to Nelly Trotter, thefishwoman,--whose cart formed the only neutral channel of communicationbetween the Auld Town and the Well, and who was in favour with Meg,because, as Nelly passed her door in her way to the Well, she always hadthe first choice of her fish,--the merits of her lodger as an artist.Luckie Dods had, in truth, been so much annoyed and bullied, as it were,with the report of clever persons, accomplished in all sorts ofexcellence, arriving day after day at the Hotel, that she was overjoyedin this fortunate opportunity to triumph over them in their own way; andit may be believed, that the excellences of her lodger lost nothing bybeing trumpeted through her mouth.

  "I maun hae the best of the cart, Nelly--if you and me can gree--for itis for ane of the best of painters. Your fine folk down yonder would gietheir lugs to look at what he has been doing--he gets gowd in goupins,for three downright skarts and three cross anes--And he is no anungrateful loon, like Dick Tinto, that had nae sooner my goodfive-and-twenty shillings in his pocket, than he gaed down to birl itawa at their bonny hottle yonder, but a decent quiet lad, that kens whenhe is weel aff, and bides still at the auld howff--And what forno?--Tell them all this, and hear what they will say till't."

  "Indeed, mistress, I can tell ye that already, without stirring myshanks for the matter," answered Nelly Trotter; "they will e'en say thatye are ae auld fule, and me anither, that may hae some judgment incock-bree or in scate-rumples, but mauna fash our beards about ony thingelse."

  "Wad they say sae, the frontless villains! and me been a housekeeperthis thirty year!" exclaimed Meg; "I wadna hae them say it to my face!But I am no speaking without warrant--for what an I had spoken to theminister, lass, and shown him ane of the loose skarts of paper thatMaister Tirl leaves fleeing about his room?--and what an he had said hehad kend Lord Bidmore gie five guineas for the waur on't? and a' thewarld kens he was lang tutor in the Bidmore family."

  "Troth," answered her gossip, "I doubt if I was to tell a' this theywould hardly believe me, mistress; for there are sae mony judges amangthem, and they think sae muckle of themsells, and sae little of otherfolk, that unless ye were to send down the bit picture, I am no thinkingthey will believe a word that I can tell them."

  "No believe what an honest woman says--let abee to say twa o' them?"exclaimed Meg; "O the unbelieving generation!--Weel, Nelly, since myback is up, ye sall tak down the picture, or sketching, or whatever itis, (though I thought sketchers[I-12] were aye made of airn,) and shamewi' it the conceited crew that they are.--But see and bring't back wi'ye again, Nelly, for it's a thing of value; and trustna it out o' yourhand, _that_ I charge you, for I lippen no muckle to theirhonesty.--And, Nelly, ye may tell them he has an illustratedpoem--_illustrated_--mind the word, Nelly--that is to be stuck as fou o'the like o' that, as ever turkey was larded wi' dabs o' bacon."

  Thus furnished with her credentials, and acting the part of a heraldbetwixt two hostile countries, honest Nelly switched her littlefish-cart downwards to St. Ronan's Well.

  In watering-places, as in other congregated assemblies of the humanspecies, various kinds of government have been dictated, by chance,caprice, or convenience; but in almost all of them, some sort ofdirection has been adopted, to prevent the consequences of anarchy.Sometimes the sole power has been vested in a Master of Ceremonies; butthis, like other despotisms, has been of late unfashionable, and thepowers of this great officer have been much limited even at Bath, whereNash once ruled with undisputed supremacy. Committees of management,chosen from among the most steady guests, have been in general resortedto, as a more liberal mode of sway, and to such was confided theadministration of the infant republic of St. Ronan's Well. This littlesenate, it must be observed, had the more difficult task in dischargingtheir high duties, that, like those of other republics, their subjectswere divided into two jarring and contending factions, who every dayeat, drank, danced, and made merry together, hating each other all thewhile with all the animosity of political party, endeavouring by everyart to secure the adherence of each guest who arrived, and ridiculingthe absurdities and follies of each other, with all the wit andbitterness of which they were masters.

  At the head of one of these parties was no less a personage than LadyPenelope Penfeather, to whom the establishment owed its fame, nay, itsexistence; and whose influence could only have been balanced by that ofthe Lord of the Manor, Mr. Mowbray of St. Ronan's, or, as he was calledusually by the company who affected what Meg called knapping English,The Squire, who was leader of the opposite faction.

  The rank and fortune of the lady, her pretensions to beauty as well astalent, (though the former was something faded,) and the consequencewhich she arrogated to herself as a woman of fashion, drew round herpainters and poets, and philosophers, and men of s
cience, and lecturers,and foreign adventurers, _et hoc genus omne_.

  On the contrary, the Squire's influence, as a man of family and propertyin the immediate neighbourhood, who actually kept greyhounds andpointers, and at least talked of hunters and of racers, ascertained himthe support of the whole class of bucks, half and whole bred, from thethree next counties; and if more inducements were wanting, he couldgrant his favourites the privilege of shooting over his moors, which isenough to turn the head of a young Scottishman at any time. Mr. Mowbraywas of late especially supported in his pre-eminence, by a closealliance with Sir Bingo Binks, a sapient English Baronet, who, ashamed,as many thought, to return to his own country, had set him down at theWell of St. Ronan's, to enjoy the blessing which the Caledonian Hymenhad so kindly forced on him in the person of Miss Rachel Bonnyrigg. Asthis gentleman actually drove a regular-built mail-coach, not in anyrespect differing from that of his Majesty, only that it was morefrequently overturned, his influence with a certain set wasirresistible, and the Squire of St. Ronan's, having the better sense ofthe two, contrived to reap the full benefit of the consequence attachedto his friendship.

  These two contending parties were so equally balanced, that thepredominance of the influence of either was often determined by thecourse of the sun. Thus, in the morning and forenoon, when Lady Penelopeled forth her herd to lawn and shady bower, whether to visit some ruinedmonument of ancient times, or eat their pic-nic luncheon, to spoil goodpaper with bad drawings, and good verses with repetition--in a word,

  "To rave, recite, and madden round the land,"

  her ladyship's empire over the loungers seemed uncontrolled andabsolute, and all things were engaged in the _tourbillon_, of which sheformed the pivot and centre. Even the hunters, and shooters, and harddrinkers, were sometimes fain reluctantly to follow in her train,sulking, and quizzing, and flouting at her solemn festivals, besidesencouraging the younger nymphs to giggle when they should have lookedsentimental. But after dinner the scene was changed, and her ladyship'ssweetest smiles, and softest invitations, were often insufficient todraw the neutral part of the company to the tea-room; so that hersociety was reduced to those whose constitution or finances renderedearly retirement from the dining-parlour a matter of convenience,together with the more devoted and zealous of her own immediatedependents and adherents. Even the faith of the latter was apt to bedebauched. Her ladyship's poet-laureate, in whose behalf she was teazingeach new-comer for subscriptions, got sufficiently independent to singin her ladyship's presence, at supper, a song of rather equivocalmeaning; and her chief painter, who was employed upon an illustratedcopy of the Loves of the Plants, was, at another time, seduced into sucha state of pot-valour, that, upon her ladyship's administering her usualdose of criticism upon his works, he not only bluntly disputed herjudgment, but talked something of his right to be treated like agentleman.

  These feuds were taken up by the Managing Committee, who interceded forthe penitent offenders on the following morning, and obtained theirre-establishment in Lady Penelope's good graces, upon moderate terms.Many other acts of moderating authority they performed, much to theassuaging of faction, and the quiet of the Wellers; and so essential wastheir government to the prosperity of the place, that, without them, St.Ronan's spring would probably have been speedily deserted. We must,therefore, give a brief sketch of that potential Committee, which bothfactions, acting as if on a self-denying ordinance, had combined toinvest with the reins of government.

  Each of its members appeared to be selected, as Fortunio, in thefairy-tale,[I-D] chose his followers, for his peculiar gifts. First on thelist stood the MAN OF MEDICINE, Dr. Quentin Quackleben, who claimedright to regulate medical matters at the spring, upon the principlewhich, of old, assigned the property of a newly discovered country tothe bucanier who committed the earliest piracy on its shores. Theacknowledgment of the Doctor's merit as having been first to proclaimand vindicate the merits of these healing fountains, had occasioned hisbeing universally installed First Physician and Man of Science, whichlast qualification he could apply to all purposes, from the boiling ofan egg to the giving a lecture. He was, indeed, qualified, like many ofhis profession, to spread both the bane and antidote before a dyspepticpatient, being as knowing a gastronome as Dr. Redgill himself, or anyother worthy physician who has written for the benefit of the _cuisine_,from Dr. Moncrieff of Tippermalloch, to the late Dr. Hunter of York, andthe present Dr. Kitchiner of London. But pluralities are alwaysinvidious, and therefore the Doctor prudently relinquished the office ofcaterer and head-carver to the Man of Taste, who occupied regularly, and_ex officio_, the head of the table, reserving to himself the occasionalprivilege of criticising, and a principal share in consuming, the goodthings which the common entertainment afforded. We have only to sum upthis brief account of the learned Doctor, by informing the reader thathe was a tall, lean, beetle-browed man, with an ill-made blackscratch-wig, that stared out on either side from his lantern jaws. Heresided nine months out of the twelve at St. Ronan's, and was supposedto make an indifferent good thing of it,--especially as he played whistto admiration.

  First in place, though perhaps second to the Doctor in real authority,was Mr. Winterblossom; a civil sort of person, who was nicely precise inhis address, wore his hair cued, and dressed with powder, hadknee-buckles set with Bristol stones, and a seal-ring as large as SirJohn Falstaff's. In his heyday he had a small estate, which he had spentlike a gentleman, by mixing with the gay world. He was, in short, one ofthose respectable links that connect the coxcombs of the present daywith those of the last age, and could compare, in his own experience,the follies of both. In latter days, he had sense enough to extricatehimself from his course of dissipation, though with impaired health andimpoverished fortune.

  Mr. Winterblossom now lived upon a moderate annuity, and had discovereda way of reconciling his economy with much company and made dishes, byacting as perpetual president of the table-d'hote at the Well. Here heused to amuse the society by telling stories about Garrick, Foote,Bonnel Thornton, and Lord Kelly, and delivering his opinions in mattersof taste and vertu. An excellent carver, he knew how to help each guestto what was precisely his due; and never failed to reserve a properslice as the reward of his own labours. To conclude, he was possessed ofsome taste in the fine arts, at least in painting and music, although itwas rather of the technical kind, than that which warms the heart andelevates the feelings. There was, indeed, about Winterblossom, nothingthat was either warm or elevated. He was shrewd, selfish, and sensual;the last two of which qualities he screened from observation, under aspecious varnish of exterior complaisance. Therefore, in his professedand apparent anxiety to do the honours of the table, to the mostpunctilious point of good breeding, he never permitted the attendantsupon the public taste to supply the wants of others, until all his ownprivate comforts had been fully arranged and provided for.

  Mr. Winterblossom was also distinguished for possessing a few curiousengravings, and other specimens of art, with the exhibition of which heoccasionally beguiled a wet morning at the public room. They werecollected, "_viis et modis_," said the Man of Law, another distinguishedmember of the Committee, with a knowing cock of his eye to his nextneighbour.

  Of this person little need be said. He was a large-boned, loud-voiced,red-faced man, named Meiklewham; a country writer, or attorney, whomanaged the matters of the Squire much to the profit of one orother,--if not of both. His nose projected from the front of his broadvulgar face, like the stile of an old sun-dial, twisted all of one side.He was as great a bully in his profession, as if it had been militaryinstead of civil: conducted the whole technicalities concerning thecutting up the Saint's-Well-haugh, so much lamented by Dame Dods, intobuilding-stances, and was on excellent terms with Doctor Quackleben, whoalways recommended him to make the wills of his patients.

  After the Man of Law comes Captain Mungo MacTurk, a Highland lieutenanton half-pay, and that of ancient standing; one who preferred toddy ofthe strongest to wine, and in that fashio
n and cold drams finished abouta bottle of whisky _per diem_, whenever he could come by it. He wascalled the Man of Peace, on the same principle which assigns toconstables, Bow-street runners, and such like, who carry bludgeons tobreak folk's heads, and are perpetually and officially employed inscenes of riot, the title of peace-officers--that is, because by hisvalour he compelled others to act with discretion. The Captain was thegeneral referee in all those abortive quarrels, which, at a place ofthis kind, are so apt to occur at night, and to be quietly settled inthe morning; and occasionally adopted a quarrel himself, by way oftaking down any guest who was unusually pugnacious. This occupationprocured Captain MacTurk a good deal of respect at the Well; for he wasprecisely that sort of person who is ready to fight with any one,--whomno one can find an apology for declining to fight with,--in fightingwith whom considerable danger was incurred, for he was ever and anonshowing that he could snuff a candle with a pistol ball,--and lastly,through fighting with whom no eclat or credit could redound to theantagonist. He always wore a blue coat and red collar, had asupercilious taciturnity of manner, ate sliced leeks with his cheese,and resembled in complexion a Dutch red-herring.

  Still remains to be mentioned the Man of Religion--the gentle Mr. SimonChatterly, who had strayed to St. Ronan's Well from the banks of Cam orIsis, and who piqued himself, first on his Greek, and secondly, on hispoliteness to the ladies. During all the week days, as Dame Dods hasalready hinted, this reverend gentleman was the partner at thewhist-table, or in the ball-room, to what maid or matron soever lacked apartner at either; and on the Sundays, he read prayers in the publicroom to all who chose to attend. He was also a deviser of charades, andan unriddler of riddles; he played a little on the flute, and was Mr.Winterblossom's principal assistant in contriving those ingenious andromantic paths, by which, as by the zig-zags which connect militaryparallels, you were enabled to ascend to the top of the hill behind thehotel, which commands so beautiful a prospect, at exactly that preciseangle of ascent, which entitles a gentleman to offer his arm, and a ladyto accept it, with perfect propriety.

  There was yet another member of this Select Committee, Mr. MichaelMeredith, who might be termed the Man of Mirth, or, if you please, theJack Pudding to the company, whose business it was to crack the bestjoke, and sing the best song,--he could. Unluckily, however, thisfunctionary was for the present obliged to absent himself from St.Ronan's; for, not recollecting that he did not actually wear theprivileged motley of his profession, he had passed some jest uponCaptain MacTurk, which cut so much to the quick, that Mr. Meredith wasfain to go to goat-whey quarters, at some ten miles' distance, andremain there in a sort of concealment, until the affair should be madeup through the mediation of his brethren of the Committee.

  Such were the honest gentlemen who managed the affairs of this risingsettlement, with as much impartiality as could be expected. They werenot indeed without their own secret predilections; for the lawyer andthe soldier privately inclined to the party of the Squire, while theparson, Mr. Meredith, and Mr. Winterblossom, were more devoted to theinterests of Lady Penelope; so that Doctor Quackleben alone, whoprobably recollected that the gentlemen were as liable to stomachcomplaints, as the ladies to nervous disorders, seemed the only personwho preserved in word and deed the most rigid neutrality. Nevertheless,the interests of the establishment being very much at the heart of thishonourable council, and each feeling his own profit, pleasure, orcomfort, in some degree involved, they suffered not their privateaffections to interfere with their public duties, but acted, every onein his own sphere, for the public benefit of the whole community.

  FOOTNOTES:

  [I-10] The usual expression for a slight encroachment on a neighbour'sproperty.

  [I-11] The said piper was famous at the mystery.

  [I-12] Skates are called sketchers in Scotland.