St. Ronan's Well Read online

  CHAPTER IV.

  THE INVITATION.

  Thus painters write their names at Co.

  PRIOR.

  The clamour which attends the removal of dinner from a public room hadsubsided; the clatter of plates, and knives and forks--the bustlingtread of awkward boobies of country servants, kicking each other'sshins, and wrangling, as they endeavour to rush out of the door threeabreast--the clash of glasses and tumblers, borne to earth in thetumult--the shrieks of the landlady--the curses, not loud, but deep, ofthe landlord--had all passed away; and those of the company who hadservants, had been accommodated by their respective Ganymedes with suchremnants of their respective bottles of wine, spirits, &c., as the saidGanymedes had not previously consumed, while the rest, broken in to suchobservance by Mr. Winterblossom, waited patiently until the worthypresident's own special and multifarious commissions had been executedby a tidy young woman and a lumpish lad, the regular attendantsbelonging to the house, but whom he permitted to wait on no one, till,as the hymn says,

  "All his wants were well supplied."

  "And, Dinah--my bottle of pale sherry, Dinah--place it on thisside--there's a good girl;--and, Toby--get my jug with the hotwater--and let it be boiling--and don't spill it on Lady Penelope, ifyou can help it, Toby."

  "No--for her ladyship has been in hot water to-day already," said theSquire; a sarcasm to which Lady Penelope only replied with a look ofcontempt.

  "And, Dinah, bring the sugar--the soft East India sugar, Dinah--and alemon, Dinah, one of those which came fresh to-day--Go fetch it from thebar, Toby--and don't tumble down stairs, if you can help it.--And,Dinah--stay, Dinah--the nutmeg, Dinah, and the ginger, my goodgirl--And, Dinah--put the cushion up behind my back--and the footstoolto my foot, for my toe is something the worse of my walk with yourladyship this morning to the top of Belvidere."

  "Her ladyship may call it what she pleases in common parlance," said thewriter; "but it must stand Munt-grunzie in the stamped paper, being sonominated in the ancient writs and evidents thereof."

  "And, Dinah," continued the president, "lift up my handkerchief--and--abit of biscuit, Dinah--and--and I do not think I want any thingelse--Look to the company, my good girl.--I have the honour to drink thecompany's very good health--Will your ladyship honour me by accepting aglass of negus?--I learned to make negus from old Dartineuf's son.--Healways used East India sugar and added a tamarind--it improves theflavour infinitely.--Dinah, see your father sends for sometamarinds--Dartineuf knew a good thing almost as well as his father--Imet him at Bath in the year--let me see--Garrick was just taking leave,and that was in," &c. &c. &c.--"And what is this now, Dinah?" he said,as she put into his hand a roll of paper.

  "Something that Nelly Trotter" (Trotting Nelly, as the company calledher) "brought from a sketching gentleman that lives at the woman's"(thus bluntly did the upstart minx describe the reverend Mrs. MargaretDods) "at the Cleikum of Aultoun yonder"--A name, by the way, which theinn had acquired from the use which the saint upon the sign-post wasmaking of his pastoral crook.

  "Indeed, Dinah?" said Mr. Winterblossom, gravely taking out hisspectacles, and wiping them before he opened the roll of paper; "someboy's daubing, I suppose, whose pa and ma wish to get him into theTrustees' School, and so are beating about for a little interest.--But Iam drained dry--I put three lads in last season; and if it had not beenmy particular interest with the secretary, who asks my opinion now andthen, I could not have managed it. But giff-gaff, say I.--Eh! What, inthe devil's name, is this?--Here is both force and keeping--Who can thisbe, my lady?--Do but see the sky-line--why, this is really a littlebit--an exquisite little bit--Who the devil can it be? and how can hehave stumbled upon the dog-hole in the Old Town, and the snarling b----Ibeg your ladyship ten thousand pardons--that kennels there?"

  "I dare say, my lady," said a little miss of fourteen, her eyes growingrounder and rounder, and her cheeks redder and redder, as she foundherself speaking, and so many folks listening--"O la! I dare say it isthe same gentleman we met one day in the Low-wood walk, that looked likea gentleman, and yet was none of the company, and that you said was ahandsome man."

  "I did not say handsome, Maria," replied her ladyship; "ladies never saymen are handsome--I only said he looked genteel and interesting."

  "And that, my lady," said the young parson, bowing and smiling, "is, Iwill be judged by the company, the more flattering compliment of thetwo--We shall be jealous of this Unknown presently."

  "Nay, but," continued the sweetly communicative Maria, with some realand some assumed simplicity, "your ladyship forgets--for you saidpresently after, you were sure he was no gentleman, for he did not runafter you with your glove which you had dropped--and so I went backmyself to find your ladyship's glove, and he never offered to help me,and I saw him closer than your ladyship did, and I am sure he ishandsome, though he is not very civil."

  "You speak a little too much and too loud, miss," said Lady Penelope, anatural blush reinforcing the _nuance_ of rouge by which it was usuallysuperseded.

  "What say you to that, Squire Mowbray?" said the elegant Sir BingoBinks.

  "A fair challenge to the field, Sir Bingo," answered the squire; "when alady throws down the gauntlet, a gentleman may throw the handkerchief."

  "I have always the benefit of _your_ best construction, Mr. Mowbray,"said the lady, with dignity. "I suppose Miss Maria has contrived thispretty story for your amusement. I can hardly answer to Mr. Digges, forbringing her into company where she receives encouragement to behaveso."

  "Nay, nay, my lady," said the president, "you must let the jest pass by;and since this is really such an admirable sketch, you must honour uswith your opinion, whether the company can consistently with proprietymake any advances to this man."

  "In my opinion," said her ladyship, the angry spot still glowing on herbrow, "there are enough of _men_ among us already--I wish I could saygentlemen--As matters stand, I see little business _ladies_ can have atSt. Ronan's."

  This was an intimation which always brought the Squire back togood-breeding, which he could make use of when he pleased. He deprecatedher ladyship's displeasure, until she told him, in returning goodhumour, that she really would not trust him unless he brought his sisterto be security for his future politeness.

  "Clara, my lady," said Mowbray, "is a little wilful; and I believe yourladyship must take the task of unharbouring her into your own hands.What say you to a gipsy party up to my old shop?--It is a bachelor'shouse--you must not expect things in much order; but Clara would behonoured"----

  The Lady Penelope eagerly accepted the proposal of something like aparty, and, quite reconciled with Mowbray, began to enquire whether shemight bring the stranger artist with her; "that is," said her ladyship,looking to Dinah, "if he be a gentleman."

  Here Dinah interposed her assurance, "that the gentleman at Meg Dods'swas quite and clean a gentleman, and an illustrated poet besides."

  "An illustrated poet, Dinah?" said Lady Penelope; "you must mean anillustrious poet."

  "I dare to say your ladyship is right," said Dinah, dropping a curtsy.

  A joyous flutter of impatient anxiety was instantly excited through allthe blue-stocking faction of the company, nor were the news totallyindifferent to the rest of the community. The former belonged to thatclass, who, like the young Ascanius, are ever beating about in quest ofa tawny lion, though they are much more successful in now and thenstarting a great bore;[I-13] and the others, having left all their ownordinary affairs and subjects of interest at home, were glad to make amatter of importance of the most trivial occurrence. A mighty poet, saidthe former class--who could it possibly be?--All names were recited--allBritain scrutinized, from Highland hills to the Lakes ofCumberland--from Sydenham Common to St. James's Place--even the Banks ofthe Bosphorus were explored for some name which might rank under thisdistinguished epithet.--And then, besides his illustrious poesy, tosketch so inimitably!--who _could_ it be? And all the gapers, who hadnothing of their own to suggest, an
swered with the antistrophe, "Whocould it be?"

  The Claret-Club, which comprised the choicest and firmest adherents ofSquire Mowbray and the Baronet--men who scorned that the reversion ofone bottle of wine should furnish forth the feast of to-morrow, thoughcaring nought about either of the fine arts in question, found out aninterest of their own, which centred in the same individual.

  "I say, little Sir Bingo," said the Squire, "this is the very fellowthat we saw down at the Willow-slack on Saturday--he was tog'dgnostically enough, and cast twelve yards of line with one hand--the flyfell like a thistledown on the water."

  "Uich!" answered the party he addressed, in the accents of a dog chokingin the collar.

  "We saw him pull out the salmon yonder," said Mowbray; "youremember--clean fish--the tide-ticks on his gills--weighed, I dare say,a matter of eighteen pounds."

  "Sixteen!" replied Sir Bingo, in the same tone of strangulation.

  "None of your rigs, Bing!" said his companion, "--nearer eighteen thansixteen!"

  "Nearer sixteen, by ----!"

  "Will you go a dozen of blue on it to the company?" said the Squire.

  "No, d---- me!" croaked the Baronet--"to our own set I will."

  "Then, I say done!" quoth the Squire.

  And "Done!" responded the Knight; and out came their red pocketbooks.

  "But who shall decide the bet?" said the Squire, "The genius himself, Isuppose; they talk of asking him here, but I suppose he will scarce mindquizzes like them."

  "Write myself--John Mowbray," said the Baronet.

  "You, Baronet!--you write!" answered the Squire, "d---- me, that cockwon't fight--you won't."

  "I will," growled Sir Bingo, more articulately than usual.

  "Why, you can't!" said Mowbray. "You never wrote a line in your life,save those you were whipped for at school."

  "I can write--I will write!" said Sir Bingo. "Two to one I will."

  And there the affair rested, for the council of the company were in highconsultation concerning the most proper manner of opening acommunication with the mysterious stranger; and the voice of Mr.Winterblossom, whose tones, originally fine, age had reduced tofalsetto, was calling upon the whole party for "Order, order!" So thatthe bucks were obliged to lounge in silence, with both arms reclined onthe table, and testifying, by coughs and yawns, their indifference tothe matters in question, while the rest of the company debated uponthem, as if they were matters of life and death.

  "A visit from one of the gentlemen--Mr. Winterblossom, if he would takethe trouble--in name of the company at large--would, Lady PenelopePenfeather presumed to think, be a necessary preliminary to aninvitation."

  Mr. Winterblossom was "quite of her ladyship's opinion, and would gladlyhave been the personal representative of the company at St. Ronan'sWell--but it was up hill--her ladyship knew his tyrant, the gout, washovering upon the frontiers--there were other gentlemen, younger andmore worthy to fly at the lady's command than an ancient Vulcan likehim--there was the valiant Mars and the eloquent Mercury."

  Thus speaking, he bowed to Captain MacTurk and the Rev. Mr. SimonChatterly, and reclined on his chair, sipping his negus with theself-satisfied smile of one, who, by a pretty speech, has rid himselfof a troublesome commission. At the same time, by an act probably ofmental absence, he put in his pocket the drawing, which, aftercirculating around the table, had returned back to the chair of thepresident, being the point from which it had set out.

  "By Cot, madam," said Captain MacTurk, "I should be proud to obey yourleddyship's commands--but, by Cot, I never call first on any man thatnever called upon me at all, unless it were to carry him a friend'smessage, or such like."

  "Twig the old connoisseur," said the Squire to the Knight.--"He iscondiddling the drawing."

  "Go it, Johnnie Mowbray--pour it into him," whispered Sir Bingo.

  "Thank ye for nothing, Sir Bingo," said the Squire, in the same tone."Winterblossom is one of us--_was_ one of us at least--and won't standthe ironing. He has his Wogdens still, that were right things in hisday, and can hit the hay-stack with the best of us--but stay, they arehallooing on the parson."

  They were indeed busied on all hands, to obtain Mr. Chatterly's consentto wait on the Genius unknown; but though he smiled and simpered, andwas absolutely incapable of saying No, he begged leave, in all humility,to decline that commission. "The truth was," he pleaded in his excuse,"that having one day walked to visit the old Castle of St. Ronan's, andreturning through the Auld Town, as it was popularly called, he hadstopped at the door of the _Cleikum_," (pronounced _Anglice_, with theopen diphthong,) "in hopes to get a glass of syrup of capillaire, or adraught of something cooling; and had in fact expressed his wishes, andwas knocking pretty loudly, when a sash-window was thrown suddenly up,and ere he was aware what was about to happen, he was soused with adeluge of water," (as he said,) "while the voice of an old hag fromwithin assured him, that if that did not cool him there was anotherbiding him,--an intimation which induced him to retreat in all hastefrom the repetition of the shower-bath."

  All laughed at the account of the chaplain's misfortune, the history ofwhich seemed to be wrung from him reluctantly, by the necessity ofassigning some weighty cause for declining to execute the ladies'commands. But the Squire and Baronet continued their mirth far longerthan decorum allowed, flinging themselves back in their chairs, withtheir hands thrust into their side-pockets, and their mouths expandedwith unrestrained enjoyment, until the sufferer, angry, disconcerted,and endeavouring to look scornful, incurred another general burst oflaughter on all hands.

  When Mr. Winterblossom had succeeded in restoring some degree of order,he found the mishaps of the young divine proved as intimidating asludicrous. Not one of the company chose to go Envoy Extraordinary to thedominions of Queen Meg, who might be suspected of paying little respectto the sanctity of an ambassador's person. And what was worse, when itwas resolved that a civil card from Mr. Winterblossom, in the name ofthe company, should be sent to the stranger, instead of a personalvisit, Dinah informed them that she was sure no one about the housecould be bribed to carry up a letter of the kind; for, when such anevent had taken place two summers since, Meg, who construed it into anattempt to seduce from her tenement the invited guest, had so handled aploughboy who carried the letter, that he fled the country-sidealtogether, and never thought himself safe till he was at a village tenmiles off, where it was afterwards learned he enlisted with a recruitingparty, choosing rather to face the French than to return within thesphere of Meg's displeasure.

  Just while they were agitating this new difficulty, a prodigious clamourwas heard without, which, to the first apprehensions of the company,seemed to be Meg, in all her terrors, come to anticipate the proposedinvasion. Upon enquiry, however, it proved to be her gossip, TrottingNelly, or Nelly Trotter, in the act of forcing her way up stairs,against the united strength of the whole household of the hotel, toreclaim Luckie Dods's picture, as she called it. This made theconnoisseur's treasure tremble in his pocket, who, thrusting ahalf-crown into Toby's hand, exhorted him to give it her, and try hisinfluence in keeping her back. Toby, who knew Nelly's nature, put thehalf-crown into his own pocket, and snatched up a gill-stoup of whiskyfrom the sideboard. Thus armed, he boldly confronted the virago, andinterposing a _remora_, which was able to check poor Nelly's course inher most determined moods, not only succeeded in averting the immediatestorm which approached the company in general, and Mr. Winterblossom inparticular, but brought the guests the satisfactory information, thatTrotting Nelly had agreed, after she had slept out her nap in the barn,to convey their commands to the Unknown of Cleikum of Aultoun.

  Mr. Winterblossom, therefore, having authenticated his proceedings, byinserting in the Minutes of the Committee, the authority which he hadreceived, wrote his card in the best style of diplomacy, and sealed itwith the seal of the Spa, which bore something like a nymph, seatedbeside what was designed to represent an urn.

  The rival factions, however, did not trust entirely to th
is officialinvitation. Lady Penelope was of opinion that they should find some wayof letting the stranger--a man of talent unquestionably--understand thatthere were in the society to which he was invited, spirits of a moreselect sort, who felt worthy to intrude themselves on his solitude.

  Accordingly, her ladyship imposed upon the elegant Mr. Chatterly thetask of expressing the desire of the company to see the unknown artist,in a neat occasional copy of verses. The poor gentleman's muse, however,proved unpropitious; for he was able to proceed no farther than twolines in half an hour, which, coupled with its variations, we insertfrom the blotted manuscript, as Dr. Johnson has printed the alterationsin Pope's version of the Iliad:

  1. _Maids._ 2. _Dames._ unity joining. The [nymphs] of St. Ronan's [in purpose combining]

  1. _Swain._ 2. _Man._ To the [youth] who is great both in verse and designing, ......... dining.

  The eloquence of a prose billet was necessarily resorted to in theabsence of the heavenly muse, and the said billet was secretly intrustedto the care of Trotting Nelly. The same trusty emissary, when refreshedby her nap among the pease-straw, and about to harness her cart for herreturn to the seacoast, (in the course of which she was to pass theAultoun,) received another card, written, as he had threatened, by SirBingo Binks himself, who had given himself this trouble to secure thesettlement of the bet; conjecturing that a man with a fashionableexterior, who could throw twelve yards of line at a cast with suchprecision, might consider the invitation of Winterblossom as that of anold twaddler, and care as little for the good graces of an affectedblue-stocking and her _coterie_, whose conversation, in Sir Bingo'smind, relished of nothing but of weak tea and bread and butter. Thus thehappy Mr. Francis Tyrrel received, considerably to his surprise, no lessthan three invitations at once from the Well of St. Ronan's.

  FOOTNOTE:

  [I-13] The one or the other was equally _in votis_ to Ascanius,--

  "Optat aprum, aut fulvum descendere monte leonem."

  Modern Trojans make a great distinction betwixt these two objects ofchase.